We are living in a time with deep division and hurt in families, across our country, and in our world. Daily the news shares stories of people hurting other people and an environment that is being destroyed by disaster and human influence. I would never claim to have an answer for these deep and sad issues, I’m not sure an answer is the answer. I do think listening to and telling our stories is a place to begin creating positive change in these challenging times. When was the last time you listened to someone tell their story? When was the last time you asked an enemy or the annoying neighbor or coworker their story? I wonder how asking about someone’s story might change the outcome of the situation or relationship.
Eight years ago, my then 3-year-old, son grabbed my hand and told me he had a story to tell me. When I asked him what his story was about, he said, “I don’t know, but I know it means you have to listen to me.” Children are without filter and often have insight beyond their years. Did my three-year-old know that compassion and understanding come from telling an authentic story and being heard? Did he know that he was teaching me about himself? To this day, he explains his thoughts and what is important to him through stories. He often shares these stories at inconvenient times, but if I don’t stop and listen, he typically doesn’t repeat them and I miss the moment to know more about my son. In the end, that is a loss for me. Whether it be political, therapeutic or personal, telling our stories and listening to stories opens up possibilities that were not their before because it grows interpersonal compassion.
Our stories are important and when we listen to each other’s stories we gain insight and compassion that leads to positive change. When we do not listen to each other’s stories we all lose. On a political level, I think American’s all agree we are divided. Each side has their talking point, their truth that is more correct than the other person’s truth and lately their harsh criticism of the other. What could we learn if we started telling our stories? How would listening to differing opinions instead of jabbing at the people who see it differently than we do change the conversation? “The oldest, most enduring form of teaching is storytelling. The lessons slip in on the wings of a plot, through a variety of characters, a colorful dilemma, and, finally a solution. Stories reveal lessons that can’t be reduced to rules and charts.” (Charlotte Beers). I think we could all benefit from these lessons that lead to real solutions. Doesn’t each side really want to teach a lesson to the other? Perhaps starting to tell our stories, how we got to this place or understanding about how the world works, would teach and then we could change together.
Turning towards each other and listening to each other’s stories will/would be extremely challenging, and I believe would be a force of change. Instead of arguing our point, we ask to genuinely listen to the other persons ideas, and why they think that way. Care to understand them. The end result may be agreeing to disagree, may hope, that agree to disagree would also have a dose of compassion for the different point of view.
Twenty years ago I took a class by Dr. Richard Mouw called, “World Religions and Contemporary Challenges.” Mouw encouraged everyone to learn to dialogue with others, especially others that don’t see the world as you do. My thoughts on listening to each other’s stories are in line with Mouw’s idea of dialogue. When we dialogue we engage in hearing the person telling their story with the mindset they will in-turn listen to our story. Mouw’s goal was to teach us to listen through dialogue to understand not listen to then sell our point. This distinction is important. When you listen to the other to understand them, you ask clarifying questions, you enter with a posture of curiosity. Out of this posture it is likely you will find yourself more compassionate towards the other. When we listen with the goal to retaliate and sell our point, we only hear part of the story we are being told. Our focus is on the details we can correct or challenge instead of our focus being on hearing and understanding. The deep lesson to compassion comes from listening to understand not listen to debate.
As a therapist, I listen to stories daily. The setting is one of deep storytelling and witnessing of those stories. It is an honor to hear and hold stories of others. As my clients tell their stories they are often able to creatively name solutions to their own problems, hear their own pain differently than they had before and show themselves compassion. And, by telling me their story, I am able to show compassion because I have a deeper understanding of where their problem is rooted. Therapy is different than dialogue because it is one-sided. Although I share my insights about the other and offer ideas, I do not share my story. For therapy, this is important. It provides space for a person to hear their own stories and learn from themselves and show compassion to themselves. Then they are more able to go out and hear those stories of others.
Why does storytelling matter? Because when you get to know someone, know their story, it is hard to not have compassion for them. And when we have compassion we can understand the behavior of others and it is easier to lead with kindness and fairness. Can you remember a time when someone knew your story and because they knew they showed you compassion? Whether it be politically or personally, hearing another’s story and showing them compassion would/will create positive change in our own lives as well as in our world.
I’ll end with this wise quote from Muslim scholars, “So let our differences not cause hatred and strife between us. Let us vie with each other only in righteousness and good works. Let us respect each other, be fair, just and kind to another and live in sincere peace, harmony and mutual goodwill.”
Begin by listening to someone’s story today.